Beyond Blame—A Family Perspective

The mission of the Family Service Center is to be a resource to individuals and families going through a troubled period in their lives. People seek help for relationship difficulties which adse during stressful times. Their concerns may be related to a child, their marriage, or themselves and may range from emotional disorders to conflict to substance abuse. Stressful life events such as a death, a daughter leaving home for cdw, or a divorce, can throw a family off balance and lead to or exacerbate such problems. Gaining clarity is particularly difficult when troubles strike so dose to home.

It is natural to seek the “cause” of a problem when tension is high and blame ourselves or someone else as the source of the problem. While blaming is a natural response, it leads to a narrow view of the problem and a short-sighted effort to fix it. Over time this can result in feeling unable to manage the problem. An example is a conflict in which we see the other as at fault and attempt to change them. The harder we try to change them, the more they react, and the conflict then escalates. The conflict itself can be seen as the problem, when it may simply reflect other stressors affecting the family.

Whether we blame ourselves, a spouse, or child, the result is usually an increase in conflict or emotional distance in the relationship. The distance or conflict can be seen as not caring or avoiding the problem, which can lead to a cycle of reactions, compounding the initial concerns and resulting in more distance or conflict Over time the relationship then becomes less open and some of the family’s resiliency is lost.

The Family Service Center represents a resource to individuals and families who wish to address concerns which have led to an impasse or impairment. Consultation with an experienced therapist can provide a way to assess problems with a broader lens and to move beyond blame. When this occurs, more options arise for consideration, initial reactions are taken less personally, and more openness develops in relationships.

As one father recently told me, "I didn't realize how much I used to see mysetf as the problem. The harder I tried to solve the problems, the more stuck and discouraged I became. I not only blamed myself, but withdrew from my wife and kids, which only added to the problems. I wasn’t aware I was doing this and when my wife reacted to my distance with anger, I saw her as nagging and uncaring. Discussing this in therapy helped us to back up, see the bigger picture, and then take some realistic steps to address ongoing difficulties.”

All families, at some point, encounter problems which become overwhelming and seem more than one can manage. When a family member, such as this father, becomes motivated to take on a troublesome issue and is interested in understanding their part in it as well as that of others, remarkable things can happen. When one is invested in the well-being of self and the family, can overcome the tendency to blame, and work toward beaming krwwtedgeabte about factors contributing to the problem; and when one can develop a way of addressing the problem over time, the whole family can move forward.

This person then becomes a different kind of resource for the family. It is the goal of the Family Service Center to assist individuals and families in this effort.